and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
