I puked a lego.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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