GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
