I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
