come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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