I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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