So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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