it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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