I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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