meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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