I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
There r osticjed everywhere
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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