P.S. I can't hear my feet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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