I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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