some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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