You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
This toilet bowl is my home.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
