everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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