u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
