He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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