Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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