he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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