I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
