why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
