i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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