I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
