i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
there is puke in my bra ... again
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