help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
