So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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