oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
