working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
