this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
