also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
