All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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