Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
