So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
