have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
