I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I think i got beer on your cat.
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