im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
