the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
