Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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