well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
