were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
