I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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