I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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