yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
