Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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