am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
