i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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