My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
