I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
