Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
My feet surprised me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
