she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
