then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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